White Horse
by fierysuzaku
Summary: this is a little songfic...it's basically what Kallen went through during her time as a prisoner before the 'death' of Lelouch...


White Horse

Rain. It always knows when to make an appearance. The 99th Emperor of Britannia had just announced to the world his great victory against the 2nd Prince of Britannia, making the poor man a loyal slave to him, to Zero.

Now, here I lie in an empty cell, with nothing to hear but silence and the sounds of imaginary raindrops. It rained the day my brother died, it rained when I found out about the truth about Lelouch, it rained when he betrayed us, and it would be no great surprise if it is raining now, now that the whole world is under tyranny.

I sighed as I recall an old song my brother used to listen to when I was a kid. As I recall the lyrics, the melody took shape and pretty soon so did the memories that have an eerie resemblance to my love life.

_Say you're sorry_

_and that face of an angel comes_

_out just when you needed to_

Until now, I still couldn't help but dream about that face. Those dark violet eyes, that silky jet black hair, that sweet mischievous smile and that velvety voice.

"Urgh! What's wrong with me! Here I am on the floor of a heavily guarded penitentiary dreaming of the guy who actually put me here in the first place. Did my concussion really mess up my head that bad!"

I said as I mentally continued to slap myself.

"Of all the men to fall for Kallen, why him. Why?"

_Great. Just great. I'm talking to myself._

I closed my eyes as the continuing lyrics echoed in my head.

_As I paced back and forth_

_All this time_

'_cause I honestly believed in you_

_Suzaku was right; Lelouch only used us Black Knights to accomplish his ambitions. _

I thought.

_But why did I even listen to him in the first place, even after the revelation. Why did I still trust him, follow his every command, be his loyal knight. _

I thought, only to hear a familiar voice correct me.

"_Correction, his ex-knight." _corrected the voice inside my head.

_Holding on_

_The days drag on_

_Stupid girl, you should've known_

_Should've known_

I sat there motionless, as if waiting for it to answer my question, only to be met by silence once more.

"Maybe, it's because I actually blinded myself and hoped that after seeing my undying loyalty for him, he'd also see me more than a chess piece, maybe he'd actually consider me as a friend or perhaps as time goes by, maybe even more than a friend."

I mentally slapped myself again as I felt myself blush at the thought.

I sighed. _Great I'm talking to myself. I'm also answering my own questions. Not only that, I'm also hearing voices. What's next, delusions!?!_

"_Kallen. You're an idiot. How long are you going to be a fool! He's probably arranging you're execution this very moment." _said the voice.

I internally cringe at the thought of him arranging my death.

"Geez, what did I see in this guy!"

_That I'm not a princess_

_This ain't a fairytale_

_I'm not the one you sweep off her feet_

_Lead her up the stairwell_

_This ain't Hollywood_

_This is a small town_

_I was a dreamer before you went_

_And let me down_

_Now it's too late for you and your white horse_

_To come around_

As the chorus began to ring in my head, I suddenly felt the full force of my idiocy.

"_He's never going to see you as anything because you were nothing to him from the beginning." _said the voice in a matter-of-factly tone, as if stating the most simple of facts.

My heart grew heavy at the statement. Tears were already threatening to overflow from my tear ducts.

"_It's time to grow up; the pain you've suffered throughout your life should've already awaken you to reality instead of making you hope in the world of fantasy."_ continued the voice, berating me as if I was a mere child.

I remained silent, because I was afraid that I'd finally lost it.

"_Sure he's a prince. No, an emperor. But girl, you're no princess, let alone an empress." _the voice said in a mocking tone.

_Shut up!!!_

I shouted in my head.

"_He won't come to rescue you riding on a white horse you saw him once ride during equestrian class. Even if you wanted him to." _she said, ignoring my shouts for silence.

"You're right." I said, sensing there's no hope in ignoring the voice at all, also she did have a point.

_Baby, I was naïve_

_I got lost in your eyes and_

_Never really had a chance_

"_Naïve. That's an understatement. You practically offered to sacrifice your life to protect him and only ending up being sentenced to death by him. Him. Zero. You're commander. Lelouch. The only man you've ever loved." _she continued with her matter-of-factly tone but I couldn't, with no regard for my feelings at all.

I gritted my teeth as my heart constricted at the pain of realization. I clenched my jaw with such force that I felt it might break from the pressure.

_My mistake, I should've known_

_To be in love you had to fight_

_To have the upper hand_

"C.C. The stoic witch. Zero's Mistress. Lelouch's Empress. Until now I can't help feeling regret of not saying anything about my feelings. I can't help thinking of the possibilities, if I told him." I replied to the voice, with unmasked pain in my reply.

_"That's because you're nothing but a coward who's afraid of rejection. No wonder the witch beat you to him."_ she answered in a berating tone once more.

"I've braved many battles. I've fought for our cause and survived even in the toughest of conditions. Yet, here I sit. In a dark corner reminiscing of chances long lost. Recalling the fear I felt when I tried to tell him three simple words. Three simple words. They instill within me a fear I never thought possible. And this is coming from a girl who's never afraid to fight against any opponent. Armed or not."

_"Ironic. Isn't?" _she said her voice tinged with amusement.

_I had so many dreams_

_About you and me_

_Happy endings_

_But now I know_

"Dreams. Happy endings. They're all cut out from age old fairytales. Dreams are for fools waiting for someone to fulfill it for them. Happy endings are nothing but figments of imagination, for if such things do exist, I wouldn't be here right now, talking to an imaginary voice inside my head like some lunatic." I said with exhaustion as reality began to takes its toll on me.

_"Yes. If such things do exist, there shouldn't be any wars, unnecessary deaths and sacrifices. People who actually believe there is such a thing as happy endings, are more than fools, they are mindless fools. Just like you and me. And by the way, you're not a lunatic, yet, 'cause that would mean I'm also a lunatic. You and I are the same. We're just temporarily separated that's all."_ she replied, denouncing my claim to insanity.

_That I'm not a princess_

_This ain't a fairytale_

_I'm not the one you sweep off her feet_

_Lead her up the stairwell_

_This ain't Hollywood_

_This is a small town_

_I was a dreamer before you went_

_And let me down_

_Now it's too late for you and your white horse_

_To come around_

I eventually felt my tears trickling down my face. As they fell, I began to cry my heart out. I cried for everything that went wrong with my life. I cried for our loss, my mother, my brother, but most of all I cried for myself and for the broken heart that can never be mended.

_So when are we going to be together again. _

I asked.

"_Honestly? I don't know." _she said in a sad tone that seemed to mimic the pain and sadness that seem to envelop me at the moment.

_And now you're on your knees_

_Begging for forgiveness_

_Begging for me_

_It's what I always wanted_

_but I'm so sorry_

A sad smile crept up when the little stanza came along.

"I'm not as strong as this girl in the song, I can't get over him like what she's doing." I choked out, as the tears came pouring out.

_"Yes you will. We both will. It'll take a little therapy, but we'll get through it. And pretty soon, our mindsets will be united once more. Just like the good old days."_ she replied with a determined tone that used to remind me of the old me.

'_Cause I'm not your princess_

_This ain't a fairytale_

_I'm gonna find someone someday_

_Who might actually treat me well_

_This is a big world_

_That was a small town_

_There in my rearview mirror disappearing now_

_Now it's too late for you and your white horse_

_To catch me know_

"I was once known for my strength and courage. Now, I'm no longer that person. I'm no longer the brave girl who fought with the Black Knights. All that's left of me is a hallow shell. A hallow shell that has no will to live." I said as more tears came, clouding my vision.

"_Don't give up! I won't let you."_ the voice said angrily.

_Oh, whoa whoa whoa_

_Try and catch me now_

_"Please!!! Don't give up!!!" _she was practically shouting now.

_It's too late_

_To catch me now_

"Lelouch." I said as I let myself sink into the abyss of hopelessness.

"You're never too late. I know you could catch me anytime you wanted. You just don't want to." I continued as I cried even harder, ignoring the shouts of rebellion in my mind until the voice grew tired and was silenced for the time being.

As the broken girl cried, the silent spectator cried with her. His violet eyes held the pain and guilt of a broken man. She held her head down, no longer his proud warrior. Soon, his own tears began to cloud his vision and constrict his heart.

The video didn't contain any sound. It was muted on purpose.

_I could at least respect her privacy._ He thought as he continued to stare at the broken figure before him.

However, the truth was, he couldn't bear to hear the words coming from Kallen in such a state. He knew she had feelings for him, but he couldn't see her more than a friend. So he betrayed her, to make her hate him.

Now. Seeing the pain he inflicted on her was more than he can bear. Let alone listen to what ever words of suffering and condemnation she was saying about him. To see her like this was bad enough but to hear her blame and hate him, is something he'd rather stay away from.

But just out of sheer curiosity. He turned off the mute in the feed just in time to hear the girl utter one final statement.

"Lelouch." Her tone was defeated and weak that was so unlike her.

He was ready for the venom words that she was to release but he never expected to hear this.

"You're never too late. I know you could catch me anytime you wanted. You just don't want to." she continued on as she cried even harder.

He felt his heart clinch with guilt and pain when he heard her statement and cries.

He once again muted the feed and sighed in defeat.

"Kallen. I'm sorry. It's not that I haven't tried to catch you. I was just unable to reach you, despite my best efforts. I'm so sorry." He said as his own tears began to fall once more.

-end-

A/N: I know. I know. It's really depressing. So I'm sorry if I disappointed anyone…but I really wanted to try doing a song fic… and the only song that came to mind was **White Horse by Taylor Swift**. I was torn between using Shirley and Kallen…but I chose Kallen instead… Also I just made up the part where it rained on some specific events…just to make it even sadder…",)…oh yeah! PLEASE REVIEW…

P.S. I don't own the anime. I just like to manipulate the events in it to suit my interests…by writing fanfics…hehehe…

Acknowledgements: Thank you to those who read and reviewed my first fanfic, **The Witch and the Warlock**. Of course, thank you to those who added the story as one of their faves. So thank you all so much. =D


End file.
